Please help.

Today my three year old said that he couldn't go to the bathroom in the toilet because he's neither high nor tall enough.
How high do you have to be?
He showed me very very high with his hand.
I told him his cousin was not that high, in fact he wasn't even as high as Van and he went to the toilet.
All the time.
He does?
Yeah.
Well, he's different and he lives in Las Vegas.

Sorry Holl. I just thought you should know.

Dear Me

Dear Diary,
I suck at building houses out of cushions. Sometimes it's sort of fun but most of the time they don't work and fall when anyone including people who are supposed to live in the house, touch it. This is frustrating because then the new hopeful occupants yell, "Can you finish the house!!!" over and over and over again and I don't want to finish the house because then they touch it and it falls again. And again and again. I am a bad mom.

The main problem is I went to some bootcamp crap class last night where this guy with a bald head yelled "BURPIES! FIFTEEN IN THIRTY SECONDS" and don't forget that I have not exercised in four or six or eight months. And also please don't forget that i'm competitive and the two girls in the class who were wearing tight tank tops and their bellies weren't jiggling? Those two? Yeah, I'll see your burpies and raise you a russian jump. Can I walk today? Can I build a cushion house today? Can I be nice and calm and motherly.

Also diary, I start school today. And we can't find the keys to our car. Do you know where they are? Okay. I do love my house though.

That is all,
Love
me.

My new blog with my friend Carol Lynch Williams

I never blog. About anything. But especially about my writing, etc. So I was talking to Carol (of The Chosen One fame) and she said she had the same problem. So we decided to see if we could guilt each other into it by blogging together. We're going to have readers of the week, book reviews, writing exercises with giveaways, author profiles/interviews, guest bloggers and then regular blog posts where i talk about diapers and people.com. I hope we can really do this.

Come see.
If you want to be interviewed/donate a book/have a book reviewed/discuss your personal issues, just let us know. I'm serious about this.

I'll probably post on here more about my kids and how they rule my life. Please go over there and leave a comment and I will do something really nice for you like not wear fur.

Okay.
The end.

Throwingupwords.wordpress.com

Letter #2

Dear My Life,
It's nine nineteen in the morning. For the third day in a row nine nineteen a.m. or anywhere around that feels like 4:00 in the afternoon. There are still so many hours left.
Have you ever known how awesome everything is. How it's glittering inside and outside but you still have to tell kid #1 that he better not cross you today? How it would be WISE not to cross you today? Even though he's two and has no idea what crossing entails? You talk to him like he's forty. Or at least thirty.
You say things like, "I'm sorry that you don't want to get in the car but sometimes we have to do things we don't want to. That's life, kid."
Then you say things like, "Get in the car."
Then you say, "Because i say so."
Then you say, "Please. Please. I am begging you. Just get in the car."
Then you say, "I'm not kidding. Get. in. the. car."
Then you say, "Okay, we're leaving" and you feel guilty because basically you are threatening abandonment.
But you start the car anyway and he comes running to his door screaming, "Don't leave me!!! Don't go without me!!!!"
And you are relieved more than you should be?
Do you ever do that?

Letter #1

Dear My Life,
How are you? I'm okay. We've been living at my sister's house for awhile because our new old house is not done or near done or will be done any time soon. That's fun. Sister is very nice and they have a new new house with heat and soft carpet and a big large TV that plays pinocchio and Tom and Jerry and Mickey Mouse on demand. Heaven.
One day my husband had a birthday. It was last week. I got him a big mac to celebrate. With cheese. Does cheese come on a big mac? Did I make a fool of myself at the drive thru when I said "Big Mac with cheese?" Didn't think about it at the time, I just really wanted to surprise him with an extra special treat. With cheese.
Another day I took a shower.
And then another day we went to Thanksgiving Point and saw the new soil to market exhibit that is MORe than awesome. Plus there was a worm farm, some chocolate milk and baby rabbits.
None of these days had any writing. Except for the grocery list that was actually quite literary. I tried to show not tell.
Oh and I had an awesome interview with lovely friends Sara Zarr (New Book ONCE WAS LOST released on that very day!! Can't wait to read it) and Emily Wing Smith last Thursday. It will show up sometime in Salt Lake City Weekly. My hair was very sleek.
I think that's almost all of everything.
I hope things are going well for you. Like you aren't so depressed that you wish you were rollerskating in hot pink sweat pants instead of scraping off wallpaper and being impatient with the people you love. I also hope you are eating healthy foods that are made with things like carrots. Maybe we should get together soon for lunch or a swim or something.
Much Love and Marriage,
Ann Dee

P.S. Please attend to two year old who is crying that he has "a lot of boogers, Mommy. Get them, get them."
P.P.S. Remember how Debra Schubert has a blog and had an invited guest on her blog named Daisy Whitney and Daisy listed Everything is Fine as a part of her YA indoctrination list? Remember that? That was the best. Thanks Debra and Daisy. Do you want to come to lunch or for a swim too? Okay.

Jewel

The first day of college, I almost threw up. I don't even remember what the classes were, what the homework was, how huge the professors seemed. All I remember was I wanted to die.
So I called my mom.
BAWLING.
I'm coming right now, she said.
What? I said, mid-sob.
I'm coming to get you.
Fifteen minutes later I was in her car.
Where are we going?
You'll see.
What about work?
It's fine.
Then she pulled into the movie theaters.
My mom and I saw GI Jane at 1:30 in the afternoon on a Monday afternoon. We even got popcorn.

He found his halloween costume at a really clean restuarant